“We should not question people about dowry since it is their individual choice.” Why not?

TW: suicide, dowry deaths.

The case of Vismaya’s death in relation to dowry two days back has been quite upsetting. She was attacked repeatedly by her husband since he wasn’t satisfied with 1.2 acres of land, a car worth ten lakhs, and 100 sovereigns of gold that was given as dowry. For free. Let that just sink in. Dowry-related deaths (suicide or killing committed by the husband and family on account of dowry) have been increasing every year with almost one death every four hours. If this feels inconsequential, then you should probably stop reading further.

Theoretically, we all despise dowry and agree that the ancient practice has long since become abhorrent with horrendous repercussions. But when it comes to the practicality of it all, the concept of dowry is normalized to the extent that each of us tends to believe that the practice in “our” family is harmless. They give so that their daughters are well taken care of. Well, no. Everyone who partakes in giving or receiving dowry has a part, however big or small, in keeping this practice alive and kicking ultimately leading to so, so many deaths all over the country.

There are quite a lot of discussions happening around what needs to be done further to stop this practice. Almost all of these discussions circled around a few common threads:

• Parents should invest the money that they give away as dowry in the daughter’s education and career. Becoming financially independent is the single most important factor in empowering women in today’s world irrespective of her being married or not.
• Both the bride and the groom need to take a stand on reinforcing that dowry is a heinous practice and refrain vehemently from engaging in the practice.
• The repulsive stigma surrounding unmarried/divorced women needs to be eradicated for them to be able to make those decisions without fear of judgment or helplessness.

If the law and justice system could save women from this, it should have happened in 1961 when the Dowry Prohibition Act made dowry illegal across the country. But sixty years later, it still hasn’t and women continue to die in the thousands every year because of this. What can we do about this in our own way?

• We do not voice out when people we know engage in the practice of dowry. Our relatives, our friends. We believe it is their choice and not our place to talk about it. But I’m urging you (and myself) to talk about the colossal distress it causes brides and their families everywhere every day this practice exists.
• Our everyday language has a huge impact on the next generation and let’s use that power to normalize the choice of a woman to stay unmarried or leave a toxic, abusive marriage when she wants to. Being married does NOT define a woman, it defines the companionship the couple share, not her.

Though it seems hopeless now, I believe as long as there are discussions around this, and we continue to care, there will be hope someday for a young bride to make the right decision in the face of such barbarity.

“We should not question people about dowry since it is their individual choice.” Huh. Why not?